Relationships: Looking For Love Where It No Longer Exists
There are so many sides to divorce. One thing I have learned this past weekend is that you cannot change the way your ex sees you or acts towards you. The best thing you can do is to continue to become a better person.
It is very emotional, very hurtful and painful to feel that the person you once loved so much, and the person who you used to love you so much has an indifferent perspective about you now. You cannot change the way your ex and his family thinks or feels about you. You cannot control the things being said about you behind your back whether there is truth to it or not. It takes a lot of strength to not react emotionally and in hurt.
Many in many occasions, even though you are divorced, the dynamic of your relationship with the ex doesn’t change…and that’s tough. There are things and ways no one will ever see or feel but you. There will be moments that seem so unfair, so one-sided and now especially because you are no longer married, your ex will not be so kind to hear you out anymore.
In divorce there is always one side that is more emotionally attached than the other. There is one side that is more sensitive to the separation of lives, more vocal, more sore, more exhausted.
My one big lesson that I am still learning is that you can no longer seek love and kindness and understanding from a place that no longer exists. You can no longer go and look to be heard, to be loved, to be celebrated, to be validated from a person who has chosen to not give you those things anymore. What it eventually does is break you. When you keep seeking for love in a place that no longer has it, it makes you insecure, it makes you question who you are, it makes you cry.
What it also does and make you act out in ways that are negative. It turns you into an ugly person. It robs you of precious time you could be using to better yourself, your children, your career, your home.
Love – real love – even a new kind of love from an ex as you co-parent and learn a new way of living – that love is freeing. It doesn’t hold you hostage. It doesn’t take notes of every mistake. It doesn’t look for ways to prove why you are the reason why the marriage failed. It doesn’t seek to manipulate, it doesn’t bring you down or give you anxiety that at any given moment, you will once again be made into something you are not.
Divorce is hard. Plain and simple. It hurts to the deepest core of your heart and body. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. And many people around you will not understand your needs. Even people who love you the most won’t know how to comfort you or guide you through the pain. And that makes it even harder sometimes.
Even in all this – know that God can make your heart whole. God sees your beauty. Even in your mistakes, your hurt, your pain, your troubles – God loves you without conditions. He loves you as you are. Stay strong in prayer to change and find new ways to move forward with your ex. You cannot change your ex, but you HAVE TO change yourself. You have to see your ex and get to know them as a completely different person. Don’t even look at your ex as your ex – look at your ex as the father or mother of your children and find a new way to respect your ex, even if you don’t feel it is being returned to you. Do it for your children. So that they see a mom or dad who is doing their best with the highest standard of character.
Psalms 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.