Finding Myself After Divorce
What a journey it has been.
As I scrolled through Instagram, still in bed, browsing through snippets of people's Thanksgiving, travels and fun with friends and family, I noticed some acquaintances who are young(er), single with no kids, others married with no kids traveling across the globe enjoying the holiday. I realized that the last time I was single with no kids, I was a teenager.
I got divorced 2 days before my 10 year anniversary. In that courtroom, all alone with my attorney, my husband didn't even show up to end our marriage face-to-face. I sat there wanting to scream on the top of my lungs and cry in the corner. The events that led up to that day seemed like a blur. Like I was thrusted into a storm I desperately worked so hard for 10 years to avoid and at times came so close, but avoided. But I couldn't avoid it anymore.
Psalm 34:4, NKJV. "I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 91:4-6, NKJV. "He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday."
Who am I now?
Almost 2 years after my husband left home, almost 10 months after our divorce, I have been dealing with severe depression. I didn't know who I was. For 11 years, my whole life revolved around being one with a person I thought I was going to be with until the day I took my last breathe. No matter how hard it got, no matter our struggles in learning how to parent, deal with the changes in life and thousands of little arguments and fights, I never thought in a million years we would end up so mad at each other to do the awful things that would lead us to divorce. I always found security that me and my husband always had each other. No matter how bad it got, that's what I truly believed.
When my husband left (I was so mad at him that I kicked him out), I have dealt with so many sleepless nights wondering how I could've changed things. I was forced to look at myself, deal with who I have become since the day we married 10 years ago. All the good and the bad and the ugly things about myself. I also have dealt with all the things out of my control. All the things that I could not change. Situations and people who chose to do things their way. And those are the things that hurt me the most.
Micah 7:19, NKJV. "He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea."
Who am I?
Months and months spend in my own head and in my Bible doing everything I can to figure out what God has planned for me, sometimes feeling completely lost. With 3 kids, life doesn't stop. With a growing business, it is detrimental that I keep pushing forward. But so much of my life has felt so dysfunctional. There were days where all I could do after sending the kids off to school, was to crawl back in bed and cry myself to sleep until the kids came back home and I would have to face them and start the work again. It hurt too much to stay awake and deal with the emotions and reality of my marriage.
Many have told me that after a divorce, there is a huge identity crisis that goes on. What seems so natural, to love and care and think of another person, to make your life and goals and future to include this man is no longer. It's not a switch you can just turn off. It takes a lot of time to learn to be without someone. Like a baby who has fallen and has to learn to get back up and walk, I have felt that many times over the last 2 years.
Colossians 3:1-3 "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."
Now, as 2016 comes to a close, I have come to realize that all the sayings are true and hold so much more meaning in my life. It is through the storms that shuffle our life around so badly that we experience loss of what what we had. It is so hard to rebuild, takes a lot of sacrifice and letting go of the things you once had and find hope to create something new with the people who remain to love you and build a new life with you.
I am learning that no man in this world will truly bring me joy if I first don't find joy in how God created me, my talents and strength. I have learned how to better choose a man worthy of my love and how to be a better woman to that man. I know so much more about what marriage means, so many lessons that I want to pass on to my children so that they won't have to experience the same heartbreak. I am learning how to be a better wife. It is not just for a man, but more for me. Being a spouse is one of the most humbling things a person can do. It is learning to serve your spouse and children to create a family who contributes to society, and all together when we have the right family values, it affects the world.
I am finding all the beautiful things about myself that I have lost the last 10-11 years. Things that were put in the back burner instead of celebrated about myself that helps me to be a better woman, mother and for the man who I cannot live without, my partner in this world.
I am learning that I am much better mother when I am feeding my passions. I am starting to feel the want to socialize again and reconnect with old friends who I know love me. I am finding even more passion in pursuing my dream and learning more about my purpose as Momma Cuisine.
Now, I find myself getting excited and making future plans again for myself and with my children. So many plans to travel, to share experiences with family and friends, to teach my children lessons about life, to help them explore their talents and find their passions just as I have found mine. I want my kids to find their calling in this world and continue to work to use Momma Cuisine as a vehicle to help other women like myself, using food and cooking as a way to connect with others to share love and life lessons.
Through this life altering event in mine and my kids' lives, my faith is firm and I stand on God's promises for me and my children. There is no bad situation that God cannot turn around. God is pushing me to a different path in my life. This is a part of my life that I am able to learn and become a much better version of myself and I cannot wait to become an even better woman.
Romans 8:28, ESV "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."